Finding myself at a loss for words
January 20th, 2017
Honestly, since last Sunday I’ve been literally finding myself at a loss for words – laryngitis attacked my vocal chords and larynx J Daddy Bear, although very sympathetic and caring, seemed extremely amused seeing me “speechless”… I wonder why, ha ha. Now, that I think about it, the entire clan seemed to enjoy the silence. Well, I can’t help it. I’m Polish – we are born loud!
Back to our topic, you might wonder how my laryngitis could possibly have anything to do with Autism Awareness… Well, it does! I’m telling you, I have never been more frustrated, angry and sad – all at
once. Taking away my voice was the best lesson for me and in a way an answer to prayer. I often asked God would allow me to experience how my Booboo felt every single day, how it really feels to have non-verbal autism etc. And since our Creator has an awesome sense of humor, He gave a me a little spec of that J At first, I was forcing my poor throat to produce any sound whatsoever. What came out was indescribable – a cross between frog croak (ribbet ribbet), rock star’s yell and a sound of rusty hinges in the old doors… I quickly realized that was not gonna work, so I had been clapping my hands or stomping my feet to get attention instead. I just desperately wanted people to read my lips and “hear” me. Wow! Talking about explosion of emotions… My “voice-powered” husband had pretty quickly felt irritated with me as I started banging on the walls, throwing stuff in his direction etc. Yes, it was pretty much a nonstop thing! It’s because I’m a talker. Normally (with voice in order) I just let my speech go on when I see Daddy B. looking at me (although I know he’s not really listening or registering anything I say, ha ha – typical man, huh?). This time he would not even look up, and I wanted to ask questions about things or just share a thought or two… I felt mute! All jokes aside, I have never felt more lonely and anxious in my life. I also knew I was getting on everyone’s nerves as I was constantly doing “loud” things to get their attention – very exhausting! Then I looked at my Booboo Bear and felt like he’s the only one that understands what I’m feeling. He had been more calm and quiet too. Possibly because his loud Mama Bear was silenced at last J God revealed to me what my boy had to go through every single day. This experience had changed me and the way I treat our son. I hope I will always remember the feeling and my Booboo’s eyes as he watched me desperately trying to be heard and acknowledged without causing others to get frustrated and short of patience towards me – the guilt I felt and deep sadness… Priceless! It’s not easy to live on Non-Verbal Autism Avenue L.